A little bit over a year ago, I graduated high school. Like most people these days, unfortunately, I too got brainwashed by society… I was CERTAIN that I had to go to college to be successful. (Back then I wanted to be an entrepreneur and own my own gym.) Now, I must pause for a second to tell you a little bit about myself. I was always the good girl. I was friends with many people and was not clicky at all; I beat to my own drum. I have always been very down to earth and very out going and polite with everyone I come into contact with. I got good grades but I was not that student that was taking all AP classes and killing myself with school. I lived a pretty balanced life.
My parents didn't have much experience with college, so that discussion never really came up. I have always been a very independent and responsible kid so, my parents were never the micromanaging type. So towards the end of my sophomore year, I started realizing the extreme competition that was going on in order to get accepted into college. They taught us, or at least I got in my head that I NEEDED to go to college. Not even a community college would be sufficient enough. I felt that if I didn't get into college, I would be a LOSER, I would not be successful and always struggle with money and never get a decent job. So I began my journey of applying to colleges and several months later, my dad and I flew to Oregon and drove down the coast of California visiting all the colleges I was interested in. After that trip I knew I couldn't attend a UC because I sensed they had a, "We don't need you, you need us," type attitude. If I was going to go to college, I knew I needed to be at a school where I was wanted. So I began applying to colleges out of state…
After getting accepted and visiting the University of Arizona, I decided that that would be the college I would attend for the next FOUR years. I LOVED it. Looking back on it, I don't know why… Well, because it was BEAUTIFUL, and BIG and they were smart about making the students feel 'NEEDED". They provided me with so many great opportunities. I went to camp where had an amazing time and met some pretty great people. But several months later, I was MISERABLE. I HATED where I was in my life. I felt like I was wasting my time. My perception of the WORLD COMPLETELY changed. I began to strongly dislike people and society. I TRULY began to see how corrupted our governemnt is. I felt trapped. ( but really it was an illusion of the mind.) I felt burdened by so much. I wasn't able to take any of the classes I thought I would be taking. Instead it was high school curriculum all over again… My dad was paying $40,000+, I had no job because I was in over my head with school work, plus emotional and physical stress. ( I am one of those people who likes and needs to eat healthy and exercise EVERY day.By not being able to do those things caused me even greater stress) On top of that, my boyfriend and I were having trouble because of all the stress that we were both under.
All this stress, caused me to gain a little bit of weight, which caused me to hate myself even more. I began to wear work out clothes, everywhere I went to silently rebel against this "robotic" society I found myself living in. I was constantly around sorority girls who dressed like prostitutes every night and were out partying until dawn. I was trying so hard to find peace in the middle of corruption and chaos. I felt like I was going nowhere. Actually, worse. What's worse than going no where? --Going backwards. I was not my out going, social, open-hearted self. I was broken and empty. I was a non-functional human being. I could hardly get myself out of bed on most days.
Just TWO weeks before my first year of college was over, I decided to leave. I was already broken, I felt like if I stayed any longer I would have damaged myself even more by dying on the inside. I felt like I was in then deepest dark hole that a human being could ever experience spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. My health was completely shattered. I was not going to lose several years of my life just for some good grades and a degree that would probably be worthless. Not to mention 4 horrible miserable years at a time when I am supposed to be at my prime. So I bought a one way ticket and went back to California and I left.
I don't know if this is apparent, but this choice took a great deal amount of strength, guts, and faith. I believed with every fiber of my being that I could make it on my own. I went against everything ( at least to me in that moment). I went against my parents advise, I went against normal social standards, I went against myself ( when I start something, I finish it. I don't give up). But THIS, ah THIS is KEY... You're probably thinking, how could she just give up like that? I couldn't have dealt with myself if I gave up just like that... But I did not give up. How could I give up on something that the universe never intended for me to start? College for me wasn't about the classes... It wasn't about the grades... It wasn't about the degree... I was sent there to learn valuable life lessons that I did NOT learn in the classroom. Also, I never had a huge failure or dark horrible moment in my life. This experience allows me to be able to relate even more people. This experience allows me to say, "yeah, I've been knocked down and hell did I ever get back up with a punch!"
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